thecatinahat | (no subject)

S,

The cross stitches are sitting in a pile in the mailroom because I have no place to put them. At first, they were nice little things that you might hang, but now they are very blunt messages of how I am failing as a son to not visit more and how I am not settled down. I do talk to my mother about you, and about my team. She likes to hear the stories, but I think she will start to meddle soon if I tell her too much.

I cannot visit her now. We are on a long mission and there are other places I like to go on leave, now.

Why would people not like you in person? You are kind and compassionate, you always make me smile, and you have a very unique turn of phrase. Your letters are never stupid. I promise you. They have helped me through the worst parts of my life. You have helped me through those.

-A

A—

You just leave them in the mailroom?? What if someone steals them??? A, that's not cool. Your mom put real effort into those, even the ones that scold you. Although she's crazy if she thinks you're failing as a son. You're awesome. Maybe you aren't home very much, but you're great. You can tell her I said so.

Where do you like to go now?

I'm annoying as hell, dude, even I can tell that. I'm surprised you can't, but then again, I have time to think about what I'm writing when I'm writing you. When I'm talking, words just spew out of my mouth and I can't do anything to stop them. It's gotten me into trouble many, many times.

You help me too, though. When I'm having a bad day I like to go through our old letters and laugh at your patient responses to my stupidity.

—S

Edited 2016-08-01 17:31 (UTC)

S,

If someone wants to steal my mother's angry profanity-laden cross-stitches, they are welcome to them. She will only make another at some point. I keep the one I love the most, which is the one she did with my name and my favorite prayer. And I am failing because I am away so often. I understand. If I had children, if you had children, wouldn't you want them to be with you as much as they could be?

When I'm on leave, I go with some of the unit. There is someone that often needs a little support. He never asks, but I can tell that he doesn't like to be alone. I want to be there for him because he matters very much.

And no, you're not annoying. I'm a very good judge of character.

You're not stupid, either. Don't talk about yourself like that.

-A

~~Okay, maybe just a little annoying sometimes. Only sometimes.~~

A—

I want some! They sound hilarious. If your mom has your sense of humor, they're sure to be great. And if I had kids of my own, I would want them to be happy. Not that I'll ever have kids, though. I'm too scared I'm going to turn out like my own parents, and no kid deserves that. I'm not subjecting anyone to the foster system because I'm a screw-up.

You're a good guy, A. I hope your friend realizes that. He's lucky to have someone like you in his life.

You clearly don't know me as well as you think. I am both those things. But but like me anyway, so what does that say about you??

—S

PS: SEE I TOLD YOU haha

Edited 2016-08-01 17:47 (UTC)

S -

Maybe next time, I will tell her to make a pattern for my penpal. She would be too happy to make you something, I promise. I think it is because of her and my father that I want kids. I see what the love of a family can do for someone, even as broken as myself, and I know that I want that.

I think he knows. I hope he knows. I would do anything for him, even if I'm bad at showing it sometimes.

It says that I am a good judge of character and you don't see yourself for how wonderful a man you are. No arguments.

-A

A—

That would be great. I might have to send it to my sister for safe-keeping, though. She could hang it up in the guest room and I'd see it every time I came home to visit her. I think you would be a great dad. You aren't broken. You're serious, maybe, but that's a good thing when it comes to parenthood, I think. You won't go in to it by accident, or on a silly whim, like my parents did.

You should tell him. Make sure he knows. Some people aren't as good at guessing as I am. He may not know.

I won't argue with you, but I still don't believe you.

But thanks.
—S

S -

I am broken. What I did isn't something I've told anyone about other than you. Not even my team or my best friend knows and he's the closest thing I have in this world. Ever since that mission, I haven't been the same man and I think it's part of why I don't go home. I don't want my family to see the splintered side of me that's become my persona. I'd like to be a father, but I think that ship has sailed.

Also, I don't think you are half as good at guessing as you think you are. Sorry.

You haven't said how your mission has been going. Are you safe? Are things well? We don't always need to talk about my family, I like to hear about you, too.

- A

A—

You did what you had to do, A. You didn't have a choice. It doesn't make you a bad person. Have you thought about seeing someone? A professional someone, I mean. I've read a whole bunch of psychology books, but I don't feel qualified to do anything more than just listen to you when you feel like sharing. Maybe therapy will help you feel less splintered, help you feel more comfortable going back home. I think your family would appreciate seeing you again. I know if I was your family, I'd appreciate seeing you as much as possible.

In my defense, you're a hard man to read. Especially when all I'm doing is reading your letters and not your expression.

There really isn't much for me to say. Things are fine, I guess. My team tolerates me pretty well, all things considered. I haven't seen much action, being attached to my laptop most of the time, so I'm safe. You don't have to worry about me, I promise.

—S

S,

I have a professional someone to talk to, though it's not very conventional. The trouble is that when we're on missions like this, it's hard to get a hold of him and so I tend to bury it all and go quiet. I know it's not a good habit, but it's a hard one to break.

It's also hard because I haven't been telling my family something else. I haven't even told you this something, yet. I suppose I will have to eventually, so why not now.

I like someone. I like them very much, but I know their interests lie elsewhere. It is beginning to wear on my heart and yet, I know I can't stop what I feel.

-A

A—

You're not sleeping with your psychiatrist, are you? That's unethical, bro. But pretty baller, so I can't throw stones.

How do you know her interests lie elsewhere? Who is this girl? How can she not like you?? I mean, I know we've never met and you could look like Quasimodo for all I know, but that's ridiculous! How could someone not like you?? Who is she, tell me. I'm not going to go beat her up or anything, I have a policy about not hitting women who haven't hit me first, but she needs to understand what she's missing.

You're great. You could make anybody happy, I just know it.

—S

S -

I am not sleeping with my psychiatrist because I don't have one. I have someone who listens to me in confidentiality, but they are not a doctor of the mind. It works for me. And I really, really could not and would not sleep with them.

As for the person who does not like me, I think you've hit the nail on the very large head. It's a him. And his interest lie with other hers. And it's not his fault that he doesn't have interest in me that way. For one, it's not like the Army is very open about letting bisexual men have relationships with other men. For another, I'm still broken and not the best person to get into a relationship with.

I try and make him happy. I even think I do.

Just not like that.

-A

A—

So, like, a priest? They might not be all that helpful, dude. Not ragging on your priest or anything, but I still think a psychiatrist might be a good idea. Especially one who knows how to deal with PTSD. That shit's not pretty, I know.

Oh. That makes a lot more sense. Well, do you know he's not into dudes too? Maybe he just doesn't talk about it because of the whole DADT thing. Some habits are hard to break. And if it's not a sure thing... Look, if being open about liking men means that you're running the risk of getting the everliving shit kicked out of you by your own unit, even these days, he might not feel safe enough to be open enough about it so that you would know. He might be interested in you if he knew that was an option.

And you aren't broken.

You make me happy, too, for what it's worth. Mail day is the best day of my week.

—S

S,

It might not be conventional, but they understand soldiers and have a great deal of experience with other survivors. I trust him to understand my secrets and my nightmares and PTSD. Besides, cheaper than a psychologist. I always prefer free.

I don't know completely for sure, but to find out would be bad if things went down shit creek. Tell me, then. What would you do to find out if someone else was interested in you, like that, without having the shit beat out of you by your own unit?

And, on this topic, is there anyone in your life like that? Someone that you want?

-A

A—

Well, as long as it works for you. I just don't want you bottling everything up and not telling anyone. That's not healthy. And free is always better, you're right.

Unless he's a complete piece of shit, he won't treat you any differently. You're still you, no matter what you like to look at. And I happen to think you're pretty great. You can tell your oblivious friend that.

LMFAO dude you are asking the wrong person. I haven't been in a real relationship since I enlisted, and I was still a teenager when that happened. So, basically, I've never had a real relationship in my life. I have absolutely no idea what to do in that kind of situation. I guess if I had to offer advice, though...idk. Take him to a bar? Maybe flirt with some other guys? Dance with one or two? I have no idea, bro, I'm just spitballing. He might not notice the signs. If he hasn't noticed what a catch you are, he's probably pretty clueless.

Maybe you should just club him over the head with it lol. "I like you, dummy." That'll do it.

—S

S,

I could tell him, but then I would have to share you with him. Right now, these two parts of my life have to stay separate. Maybe one day, that will change, but not yet.

I like your idea about the bar. Maybe I will see if I can find someone handsome to flirt with, even though that will go against the purpose of making him see that I like him. If things went well, I would like very much to make him happy and maybe take him home to meet my mother and my sisters, let them dote on him the way he deserves.

Unfortunately, even if I flirt with another man, even if he is into men, I don't know that he deserves my issues. Maybe I will just bring him home and set him up with my single sister.

-A

A—

I know what you mean. I haven't told anyone about you, apart from the obvious fact that you exist and I write to you. Nobody in my unit knows your name, even (not that I know that either, but you know what I mean). I kind of like having this be sort of a secret. I talk all the time, but you're basically the only person I actually tell important things to.

And now I feel like a 12yo girl lol. Thanks a lot.

Baby steps. Let him know you like guys before letting him know you like him. Because if he's not into you, finding out both at once might be overwhelming. Ease him into it. You're boiling a toad, remember, not steaming a lobster. From your stories about them, I bet they'd love that. He's a lucky guy, to have that waiting for him on top of getting you, and I mean that seriously.

Please, you'd be fucking miserable if you did that, and if he's any sort of friend to you, then he would want you to be happy. Although I'm sure your sister is very pretty and probably quite a catch, too. Though if that's the case, she can most likely find herself her own boyfriend and doesn't need your help.

Stop fretting.

—S

S,

There is also another complication. I was not going to write anything about it, but you seem very passionate about being direct and to the point. I respect that and you, so it's important to me that you understand. He is not the only one that I've started to have feelings for.

There's also you.

I like you. I like you because you are kind and funny and care about me. You're intelligent and compassionate and encouraging and optimistic. I would never give you over to my sister unless you wanted her, in which case I would offer my blessing. I know we are anonymous and we should not meet, but the lie has been quietly sitting here for too long.

I don't know how you will feel about being my toad.

I like you. I want you.

I like him. I want him.

So you see, now? Complicated.

-A

A—

I'm so, so sorry it's been almost a year since your last letter. I know you probably took my silence as an answer to your unasked question, but that wasn't the case at all. Some shit went down with my unit and... It was bad. I've been off the grid for so long I legitimately thought I'd never be on it ever again.

Your letter was kind of a surprise, to be honest. A good one, but still a surprise. I'm not used to people wanting me. I didn't know how to respond, so I decided to wait a few days to get my thoughts in order so that I wouldn't fuck it up by vomiting words all over the paper like I normally do. I told myself I'd write you back after the mission we'd just been assigned, and then... Yeah.

In this packet is a notebook (obviously). You don't have to read it if you don't want to, but all the letters are for you. Writing to you had become one of the best ways for me to work out the ridiculously jumbled mess of my thoughts, and having that outlet helped keep me sane while we were lying low.

It would be ridiculous to hope that you waited for me after I hurt you as badly as I know I must have, but I want you to know that I like you too, that my silence was in NO WAY meant to be a brush-off or anything like that.

I thought of you every day when I was gone.

—S

PS: this is fucking stupid. My name is Jake.

Jake,

I understand how time can slip away from you. In truth, this year has been bad for me. My nightmares are worse. My issues are worse. I thought I was broken before, but I did not know the meaning of the word because now I know that the shards can be so much deeper. and now I see.

I read all your notebooks. Then I read them again. It only made me believe more than ever that you deserve as much happiness as I can steal from the world and give to you. Your parents did not know what to do, but I would never abandon you like that. Never, Jake, not ever.

You write about Cougar a lot, when you aren't talking about your past or your unit. I have only one question and I hope you will be honest with me.

Where are you now?

-A

A—

Shit, I'm sorry. I feel awful that I haven't been there for you. Have you been talking to your priest? I hope you haven't been keeping it all bottled up inside, you know that's not healthy, I've told you that. You need to talk about these things, A, it's important for your own mental health. And since I haven't been around for you to talk to, I really hope you found another outlet. I hate to think about you suffering because I was MIA.

To be honest, I don't remember half of what I wrote to you. Everything was kind of a fucking mess, after, and after writing a letter, I'd close the book and not read them again. They were meant for your eyes.

I know. I'm sorry. I understand completely your dilemma right now. I don't know what to do. I hope you told your friend how you felt, that he was pleased, that you guys are happy. It would make me happy to know things are good for you.

Right now? In my sister's guest room in New Hampshire. Why?

—Jake

Jake,

No, I have someone else who has been keeping me sane. It's actually the one I was telling you about before, though up until recently, I still thought he didn't want me back. I know better now, though. We're not together, but I know that he wants me. I'm sorry that you were gone for so long and I'm sorry it was so bad.

I read everything because they're your words and they mean something to you. They shape the man you've become and the man who's my best friend and, potentially, something more. I know I'll read them again soon, because I want to make sure that I know how to avoid all the ways I can disappoint you.

I didn't tell him. Soon, I think. Very, very soon. Are you going to tell your Cougar how you feel?

As for why I need to know where you are, I need your address. I have a present for you and I want to send it to wherever you are.

-A

A—

I told you he'd be oblivious.

Um, not to be weird or anything, but I'm not sure I'm really up for a foursome, dude. And I know for a fact Cougar wouldn't be, even if I did ask him. He's ridiculously possessive and territorial. If he did really want me, he wouldn't want to share me.

Which is why I probably won't tell him. I'm a coward, and I can't stop thinking about you. This is so messed up.

I'll include a proper return address on the envelope this time. You better not be sending me a stripper, okay, my 8yo niece lives in this house.

—Jake

Jake,

Don't be such an idiot.

I don't want a foursome. Promise. Also, Cougar does want you. He loves you. You're the only thing that keeps him from falling apart, this is clear. He may not talk very much, but all the important things he has to say are there and you're the only one who understands how to translate them.

It's not a stripper. I've been working on a cross stitch for you and it's finally done. I will send it after this letter, but I think you will get this first.

- Yours

A—

I've been telling you for years, I am an idiot.

Do you know him?? Why didn't you say anything??? Holy shit please tell me you didn't say anything to him. It would kill me if I lost his friendship, same as yours.

Oh okay that's much better. I'll hang it on the wall.

—Jake

Cougar has the letter in hand in a manila small rectangular envelope. It has no more than 5 words inside with no actual address. Once he arrives at Jake's doorstep, he picks up the package that has the cross-stitch inside, leaning on the porch and buzzing his way inside.

He greets Julie and talks to her a little while he gathers up the courage he's going to need for this conversation, which is far from anything he's ever thought he'd need to do in his life. Once she has to leave, he heads upstairs with both packages in hand, rapping his knuckles on the door.

"Busy?" is all he asks, stepping inside and sitting on the bed.